41, Anxious, and Waiting for My First Podcast Episode to Drop

Yesterday was my 41st birthday.

And honestly… this weekend had been a lot heavier than just “birthday blues.”

On Thursday, I recorded my very first official podcast episode for Highly Relatable. Which should feel exciting, right? And at first, it did. Walking out of there I honestly felt this huge sense of relief like:

“Phewwww… okay. I did it.”

But then the waiting started.

And let me tell you… recording with a team that isn’t truly your team, where you don’t have creative control over production, editing, timing, or release, is a complete mind fuck.

I’ve basically been sitting here refreshing YouTube since Friday morning waiting for the episode to drop.

And… nothing.

So naturally my anxiety decided to clock in for a full-time shift.

To put it lightly, my anxiety has been at about a 10. My fears and insecurities have been bubbling right there at the surface all weekend long.

I’ve cried.
I’ve slept.
I’ve spiraled.
And honestly the only productive thing I’ve done for myself was go get a pedicure.

Which, yes… I absolutely cried during.

Just a few quiet tears sitting in the massage chair trying to keep my shit together like:
“Okay girl, pull it together, you are literally in public.”

But really… I think what’s happening is this podcast suddenly became real.

And once something becomes real, all the insecurities come with it.

After we finished recording, my brain immediately started replaying every little thing.

I wish we could have recorded it a few times.
I wish there had been more than one camera angle.
I wish I would’ve slowed down more.
I wish I wouldn’t have gotten lost a few times.
I wish some of what I said came out clearer.
I wish I could at least see it before it gets posted.

And then… the spiral really started.

“What if it’s so bad they’re struggling to edit it?”
“What if that’s why it hasn’t been posted yet?”
“What if I get an email saying they need me to come back and re-record everything?”

And honestly? I don’t think I could recreate whatever happened in that room the first time.

I mean obviously I could… but it wouldn’t feel the same.

The vulnerability wouldn’t feel the same.
The honesty wouldn’t feel the same.
The first-time energy wouldn’t feel the same.

So yeah… my brain has been having an absolute field day with all of this.

But this morning I tried really hard to reset.

I was listening to a Jay Shetty podcast episode recently, similar to something I’ve heard Mel Robbins talk about before too, about how important your first moments awake are before the world gets ahold of you.

Before your phone.
Before social media.
Before your anxiety.
Before your fears and insecurities.

So this morning before I grabbed my phone, before I checked YouTube, before I refreshed anything… I put my hand on my chest and said:

“I’m awake before my emotions, before my anxiety, before my fears and insecurities.”

It’s my own little version of what they talk about, but honestly… it helped.

Then I FaceTimed my nieces like I do every morning, sat down in front of my computer, and thought:

Maybe I should just start writing.

So here we are.

Yesterday while I was crying at home, Colin, being the wonderful man he is and also very much a man, kept saying things like:

“Don’t stress.”

Which internally made me laugh because WOW THANK YOU I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

But then he said something that actually clicked.

He said:
“If you want control, we can do this ourselves. Maybe not with thousands of dollars worth of equipment… but you start small.”

And honestly?
That made me feel better.

Not because I’m suddenly quitting and producing my own podcast tomorrow.

But because it reminded me that I’m not trapped.

If after a few months of working with the MRN team if it doesn’t align with my vision… I can learn and eventually create something of my own.

And the second he said that, my wheels started turning.

Maybe that’s what this opportunity is really about.
Learning first.
Practicing first.
Building confidence first.

Then creating.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I talked in my very first episode about starting before you feel fully ready… and wow, this feels like the most relatable example of that possible.

Because the truth is:
starting something visible is terrifying.

Especially when you care deeply about it.

Especially when it’s personal.

Especially when it feels tied to your identity and your purpose and the version of yourself you’re trying to become.

I think the most relatable part of all of this is the waiting.

The lack of control.

The way we attach our worth to outcomes we can’t manage.

The way our brains immediately jump to the worst-case scenario when silence lasts a little too long.

And maybe adulthood is realizing that so much of life exists in that uncomfortable in-between space.

The waiting.
The uncertainty.
The not-knowing.

Unless you decide to take control yourself.

I’m not saying I’m ready to say “screw it” and fully produce my own podcast yet.

I want to learn.
I want to practice.
I want to get better.

But maybe this season isn’t about getting everything perfect.

Maybe it’s about proving to myself that I can still start before I feel fully ready.

And trust that I’ll figure the rest out along the way.

So anyways…
Happy 41st birthday to me.

Currently accepting:
podcast uploads,
emotional stability,
and maybe another pedicure!

 

XOXO – Brittany Jo