When Life Decides You Need a Different Kind of Strength

I had plans for August.

Of course I did.

I was going to take a little break from the podcast because we bought a new house, and I knew I wanted some time to focus on moving, remodeling, painting, making it ours and attempting to convince myself that living in a constant state of Menards runs was somehow fun.

I thought maybe I’d squeeze in one podcast episode.

Just one.

Because I love doing it. Because every time I sit down with that microphone, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

But August apparently had other plans.

And somewhere along the way, my planned little podcast break turned into a life-is-coming-at-me-from-every-direction break.

Sometimes You Don’t Get to Pick What Needs Your Attention

In the middle of everything with the new house, Colin ended up needing emergency back surgery.

Emergency.

Back.

Surgery.

Those are three words that will rearrange your priorities pretty damn quickly.

Suddenly the paint colors and projects and boxes and everything I thought was so important became background noise.

The person I love is hurting.

And now we’re navigating recovery.

If you’ve ever watched someone you love be in significant pain, you probably understand the helplessness that comes with it.

I want to fix it.

I want to make him comfortable.

I want to know exactly what he needs before he needs it.

I want to somehow absorb some of his pain so he doesn’t have to carry all of it himself.

And I can’t.

That’s been really hard for me.

There are moments when I feel completely inadequate because I don’t know what to do. I can get the ice pack. I can get the medicine. I can help him move. I can make sure he eats. I can ask a million times, “What do you need?”

But I can’t make the pain disappear.

And when you’re someone who likes to DO something when there’s a problem, feeling helpless is its own kind of torture.

And Then There’s Dexter

Because apparently we hadn’t quite reached our emotional capacity yet.

Our dog Dexter has also been having health issues.

And now I’m taking him to an ophthalmologist to determine whether or not he has a tumor.

Even typing that sentence makes my stomach hurt.

Anyone who has loved a dog knows they’re never “just a dog.”

They’re part of your routines.

They’re part of your family.

They’re there for the ordinary Tuesday nights and the huge life moments and everything in between.

They don’t care if you’re successful.

They don’t care if the house is painted.

They don’t care if the podcast episode came out on time.

They just want you.

And right now I don’t know what’s happening with him.

Maybe that’s one of the hardest parts of this season.

Not knowing.

Not knowing how long Colin’s recovery will take.

Not knowing what’s going on with Dexter.

Not knowing when life is going to feel normal again.

Not knowing when I’ll have the mental capacity to sit behind the microphone and talk about life when I’m currently using most of my energy just trying to live it.

Satan Is Working Overtime

I recently read something about how sometimes it feels like Satan is working overtime.

And holy shit, did that resonate.

Because lately?

Satan needs a hobby.

Seriously.

Find someone else.

Take a PTO day.

Clock the hell out.

Because I am FULLY STAFFED over here.

I know that might sound dramatic. And I also know there are people going through things far more devastating than what I’m experiencing.

But I’ve learned something over the last year and a half:

I don’t have to minimize what I’m feeling just because someone else might have it worse.

This is hard.

I’m tired.

I’m worried.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m trying to be there for Colin.

I’m trying to be there for Dexter.

I’m trying to keep working.

I’m trying to keep moving forward with the house.

I’m trying to remember that I need to take care of myself somewhere in there too.

And I’m trying really, really hard to keep it all together.

Some days I’m better at it than others.

The Old Me Had a Solution for This

There’s another layer to all of this that I can’t ignore.

There was a time when this exact combination of stress, fear, exhaustion and uncertainty would have given me every excuse I needed to drink.

Actually, I wouldn’t have even needed an excuse.

I would have just poured the drink.

Then another.

I would have told myself I deserved it because I was stressed.

Because I was scared.

Because Colin was hurting.

Because I was worried about Dexter.

Because the house was overwhelming.

Because life was overwhelming.

Pick a reason.

Any reason would have worked.

Alcohol used to be how I turned the volume down when life got too loud.

Except it never actually fixed anything.

The problems were still there the next morning.

Only then I was trying to handle them as a lesser version of myself.

And right now, as difficult as this season is, I am here for it.

Fully.

That’s not always comfortable.

Actually, sometimes it really freaking sucks.

But I’m present.

When Colin needs me, I’m here.

When Dexter needs me, I’m here.

When I need me, I’m trying really hard to be here too.

And maybe that’s what all of this work I’ve been doing on myself was actually preparing me for.

Not just the fun stuff.

Not just starting a podcast.

Not just building a business.

Not just traveling and laughing and dreaming bigger and discovering this whole new version of myself.

Maybe the growth was also preparing me for the moments when life gets really fucking hard.

Maybe Strength Looks Different Right Now

I’ve spent so much time lately thinking about momentum.

What’s next?

What’s growing?

Who can I reach?

What can I build?

What’s the next episode?

What’s the next blog?

What’s the next trip?

What’s the next opportunity?

And I love that version of myself.

But maybe August isn’t supposed to be about momentum.

Maybe it’s about staying grounded while everything around me feels uncertain.

Maybe strength right now isn’t launching something new.

Maybe it’s sitting next to Colin when he’s hurting.

Maybe it’s driving Dexter to another appointment even though I’m terrified of what they might tell me.

Maybe it’s painting a wall because I need one normal thing to focus on.

Maybe it’s crying when I need to cry.

Maybe it’s admitting that I don’t have everything under control.

Maybe it’s allowing the podcast to sit quietly for a month without convincing myself that I’ve failed.

Because taking a break isn’t quitting.

Life happened.

Real life.

Messy life.

Highly relatable life, actually.

And if this entire thing I’ve built is supposed to be about telling the truth about the messy middle, then I can’t only show up when the middle is exciting.

I have to be willing to talk about this part too.

The part where I’m scared.

The part where I’m exhausted.

The part where I don’t have an inspirational ending yet.

So, No. I Don’t Have a Lesson Yet.

Usually when I write, I eventually find the lesson.

The beautiful little realization that ties everything together.

This time?

I’m still looking for it.

Maybe I’ll understand this season differently when I’m on the other side of it.

Right now, I’m simply trying to get through it without losing myself in the process.

I’m reminding myself that I don’t have to do everything.

That Highly Relatable will still be here.

The podcast will still be here.

The microphone will still be waiting for me.

And hopefully, when I sit back down behind it, I’ll have even more to say.

For now, my job is smaller.

Be here.

Love my people.

Love my dog.

Take care of the things directly in front of me.

Take care of myself.

Stay sober.

And trust that this season will eventually change, because they always do.

So if you’re wondering where I’ve been this August, that’s where.

I’m still here.

I’m just being asked to use a different kind of strength right now.

And Satan?

Seriously. Take a fucking vacation.

XOXO – Brittany Jo